(This blog was originally published on November 12, 2014 at LianPrice.com.)
Warning: This blog post is a bit more raw than most.
I want to speak to a very specific person.
I want to talk to you, if you have ever felt like you were “too big.“
Let me clarify something: You can be 4’10” and feel “too big.”
You can be only 5 lbs. overweight and feel that is “too much.”
Have ever been regarded as too much to handle, too over the top, too loud, or too crazy, or felt like you just take up too much space?
For some reason, you just… get in the way. You take up too much air time, you speak at the wrong times, you try to be yourself and relax around others, but each time you just end up feeling like you got in the way of everyone’s else’s good time.
Why do you always feel like you must put on a show? You are so big and bold on the outside, other people seem to almost regard you as a bit of a freak. On the inside, you have even come to believe that you are sort of a freak.
You gave up a long time ago trying to figure yourself out. You just know that because you are so over-the-top, people egg you on to perform, but then instead of being the life of the party, you just come off as overbearing, and everyone is just over it.
And inevitably, once again you have failed. Failed at doing what you thought you were good at– Making other people happy. But that’s ridiculous, you tell yourself. How could you make anyone else happy? You can’t even make yourself happy! You can’t seem to say anything right, get the words out the way you would like to, lose the weight you know you should and have the body that you dream of having.
You are stuck in this goofy façade, one that you desperately want to break free from so you can be who you are supposed to be. Look the way you know you should look.
Miraculously through all of this, you may even have sustained some friendships, despite your crazy, mixed-up sense of self. You may have lots of friends even, but more now than ever, you feel so alone. No one understands you, and how could they? You don’t even understand you.
No one gets what you are going through, and what that deep, inner aching need feels like. Scratching and clawing away at you day after day, night after night, commanding you all at once to stop your foolishness and be who you are meant to be, and at the same time convincing you to remain where you are, because it would be more painful to change than to continue simply being this awkwardly, “too big,” inflated version of yourself.
So what the heck am I talking about here? Am I speaking about physically, being too big? Or am I talking personality–wise, too big?
I am talking about both.
Why lump them both together? Because they are essentially the same problem, and both can be solved with the same solution.
People often feel like they are “too big” for 3 reasons:
1) Physically they are large, they are holding excess weight.
2) Personality–wise they are a lot to handle. Boisterous, overly demonstrative, and intrinsically command attention.
3) Personality–wise, they are too weird. Others regard them as different, too much of a challenge, difficult to understand, and like we said, sort of a freak.
And by the way, you most likely have an extra-big heart to go along you’re your “too-big-ness.” You wish this is what others saw first, instead of one or more of the above 3 qualities.
So, if you fit one or more of these descriptions, what to do?
I believe the answer is contained in this quote:
“Change your words, change your worth.” –Patricia Blaine
**Oh, and I just want to say, introverts and skinny people, thanks for bearing with us, I promise I will catch you on the next one J Actually, maybe you are none of the above. You are at a healthy weight, have a tight, lean physique and a very pleasant, palatable personality. You have never come across as too much, and are very socially well-adjusted. If so, you can choose not to read on, or if you there is someone close to you who you believe is suffering from “too-bigness,” perhaps share with them this quote.
You always hold high standards for yourself, and yet you are always falling short of those standards. Maybe you are a bit of an extremist, and when you work at something and fail, you feel the need to punish yourself.
I was there with you. I too, have always felt like I was a bit too much. I have been told countless times that I am over the top, weird and too much. My demeanor, even my hair has been called “too big”. I am a perfectionist, too, and all that does oftentimes is set me up to fail. Fail myself, fail in the personal goals I have set, and fail others.
UGH! I became so frustrated living this way. I tried for a long time to fit myself in a box, make myself more likeable to everyone, finding that all that came of this weredisingenuous friendships and self-loathing. So if I can’t change who I am, then what can I do to get better? I want every day, so badly as I’m sure you do, to be the best version of myself. But how?
DON’T change who you innately are. Instead, change the words you say to yourself. I was on the phone with a private online coaching client last Friday, and she broke down crying in frustration, and said to me: “I am so fat, and I can’t get anything done right.”
I stopped her there and told her, if she doesn’t change the way she talks to herself, she will NEVER see the permanent results she wants to see. This is so much deeper than just losing fat and gaining muscle tone. This is about treating yourself right. This is about terminating the unproductive mental beat-down sessions you may put yourself through on a daily basis, and start being happy about all the things your body does for you now, and is capable of doing for you in the future, if you will just be good to it.
When you change the internal dialogue from negative, energy-zapping words to positive, healthy, affirming statements about yourself, you will raise your self-worth infinitely.
Once you are able to make this a habit, others will see your elevated self-worth, and treat you accordingly.
As human beings, we are very good at immediately sensing out how another person feels about themselves, and then treating them accordingly.
Stop telling other people to put you in a box.
Raise your internal dialogue, so that others can see how much you value yourself, and will value you then as well. Do not settle for any less. If someone still does not regard you as a person of high-worth, it is most likely because they have their own internal battle going on, and it is blinding them at the moment.
I know this is the hardest battle to fight, the one in your head. Because some words are just sooo heavily ingrained. Your brain is holding onto childhood memories of the other kids in the playground pointing their fingers and taunting you. The high school “in” crowd attempting to label you; years of a parent’s subliminal messages, or even an ex-lover’s painful parting words.
But remember it is still your brain. And no else is going to do this for you. No one can raise your self-worth but you. It all starts with what you say to yourself, and then back it up with action.
Do this– and you will be the shining personality you want to be. You may be just as loud, but you will emanate confidence too, so you will come across as inviting and witty, not over-bearing, obnoxious or needy.
Do this– and you will lose the weight you want to lose. You won’t put those crappy foods in your mouth, because you will now think “Woah. That’s what people who don’t value you their bodies eat. I value my body and my health, so I won’t be eating that, thank you very much.”
You will think, because I am a fit-minded person, I prioritize my time for exercise. I value what I have to offer the world, and I know that I will ONLY be able to give my very best, when I am in the best possible physical condition I can be in. Therefore, I am NOT going to skip a workout this week, because I enjoy this time for myself and I am going to enjoy my journey of self-improvement, every step of the way.
I hope this long–winded letter helped even just a couple of you. Go out and crush it this week, and turn your own individual “too big” battle into an asset that fuels you to accomplish more and become the best version of you. Talk soon,
In Good Health,