Vulnerable Share.

I wasn’t forthcoming about one thing re: last weekend = My Monday morning crash.

6am sharp, I woke up and my knees crashed to the floor. I sobbed. My thoughts felt like they were splitting my head apart.

Why? Because my personal life has me eloquently begging the question: WTF???

I’ve been trying. I mean, I was in 2 serious relationships. Both lasted about 6-7 months. Both I thought were going to end in marriage.

I’ve been thinking I am going to get settled. But, I totally haven’t. I’ve moved 5 times in 2 years. I’ve moved South, North, then South again.

I lived in an Air BnB for 2 months. In my own county! I also lived in a house with 5 alpha, entrepreneurial men for 10 months.

To top it off, I haven’t even seen an actual family member in 2 years.

What in the actual f*ck am I doing??

What brought all this up for me? In an uncanny span of two days, I received the news that both my ex-husband AND my ex-boyfriend are expecting.

So I’m hangin’ out in Mexico with my dearest friends, all of whom are married, have a child, or are in serious (and seriously awesome) relationships. They are all crushing it in work AND at home. I felt like my throat was getting hit with a softball.

Here’s the thing: in my logical mind, I am so happy! Both men are with incredible, beautiful women, who could not be a more perfect fit for them, and I know they both really wanted to be fathers. The feeling that this is finally coming true for both of them actually excites and revitalizes me.

Further, I KNOW that when smart and talented men like these have found their perfect partner, and are creating the family and life of their dreams, the entire human collective benefits. Because with the missing pieces resolved and integrated and their needs for love and connection are being met, they can then more fully bring their unique gifts into the world.

This is my logical mind, AND, this is the essence of my soul.

BUT! The little devil on my shoulder with the pointy tail wants me to make this about me. This little bugger, (let’s call him Ego😈) wants to use this information to rip me apart. Pricking my neck with this sharp little purple tail, he whispers into my ear, “What’s wrong with you? Why is it that all these people around you have their sh*t together, and you don’t? What the f*ck is wrong with you Lian?” 😈😈😈😈⁉️⁉️

Tears roll down my face. “F*ck off, Ego.” I whisper back.

Leaning back against the wall behind me, I breathe deeply. “It’s all in perfect timing. There’s still more me to find out about. There is a purpose here. Coming to terms with this ‘un-settling’, and accepting it all– this IS the actual work.

My capacity to love myself unconditionally IS my gift to others. 💝 This is my soul’s mission. ✨Radical self-love sets fire to the liberation of others, its permits those watching to love themselves all the more fiercely as well.🔥And so my life is being designed to encourage this outcome.”

In that case I thought, let it be so. The pointy-tailed devil slinks away, shuffling down on off my back. I look at the clock. 6:27am. I get up and walk to the kitchen to make espresso. ☕️